On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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