I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
