Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
