1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
