Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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