Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
