Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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