Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
