Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
