when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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