my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
