you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
