Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
