Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
