There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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