Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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