your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
