our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
