yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
