we're chasing vodka with high fives
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
