I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We need a shit load of segways right now
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
