i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
