just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
