i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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