tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
