just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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