an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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