you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
