he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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