Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
