why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
