Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
