I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fuck me I smell like cheese
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
