She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
