The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
