Princesses don't give blow jobs
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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