Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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