Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
