Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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