I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
