she woke up with a sticky ear
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My vagina is officially offended.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
