i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
