Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
