They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
