I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
