I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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