I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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