i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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