Fuck appropriateness.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
