mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
