This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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