Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He? As in you personified your dick?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
