I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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